My Take on Fifty Shades, Daddy Takes a Trip.


Let me post the original, so if you have not read it, you can get caught up.

 

Some of you saw my review of the book and I plan to read the second and third books, as I am already in deep.  I am also going to step into my Naughty Philosopher role here.  Remember this is a spoof and in no way is meant to use the characters from the book.

The young lady returns home from her Junior Year abroad.  Live oaks and a Southern setting.

Her mother greets her when the taxi pulls up on the circular driveway.  ”Darlin’ ah have missed you terribly.”

“Mama, ah met the most darlin’ German count, Count von Übl Verführerisch.”

Her mother started thinking the wedding of the decade, how she could brag about her daughters great match, royalty, etc.

Her daughter prattled on, “He lives in a Bavarian castle on top of a mountain.  He taught me how to fence, wear chains, put me in irons and whip me on the behind with his riding crop.”

“That’s nice dear,” her mother said, still planning the wedding, until the words hit her like a Norfolk Southern freight train.  ”What?!  He did WHAT to you?  Tell me you are still a virgin.  Charles Ravenel Pinckney is so looking forward to seeing you, he’s such a nice boy.  Darlin’ ahm not so sure ah heard you correctly.  He hit you with a riding crop?”

“Yes, Mama.  Ah didn’t realize I enjoyed being so submissive.”

Mama’s iron fist retreated from the velvet glove.  ”Honey, get in here, now!”

Daddy is a physically large man, played Offensive Tackle for the Bear at the University of Alabama.  He saw the distress in his wife’s face?  ”What’s wrong?”

“Tell your daddy what you just told me.”

And you only thought steam rose from people in cartoons.  ”Git our travel agent on the phone, I reckon I have a trip to make.  Ah warned you about that Yankee college.  That’s what she was learning on her junior yearabroad.  Count whats his face will not count for much any more.  Young lady, git up to your room, your Mama and I are gonna have a little chat.”

“But Daddy…”

“Now!”

“Darlin, how’d she end up like that?”

 

Part Two:  The daughter went upstairs to the room sobbing.  Mom and Dad had a little chat.

“Oh darlin’ the flower of the South, violated.”

He looked at his wife as though she’d lost her tiny little mind.  “You’ve been readin’ Gone with the Wind one tahm too many.  You asked me how our daughter got this way, you just answered your own question.

“I most certainly did not.  My romantic world is neatly dressed courtly men, not riding crops which in my world are only meant for horses and recalcitrant servants.”

“I do not need to take you back to Dr. Weinstein for your dreams, do I darlin’?”

” This has nothing to do with dreams…”

“But how you would like to re design the South.  Now you know where our daughter gets the imagination from.”

Mom drew a long breath in.  “Mah imagination, does NOT include hitting young ladies.”

“Be that as it may, I need to speak with our travel agent about mah goin’ across the pond to deal with this miscreant.”

He calls the travel agent.  “What?  I caint flah Delta?  Ah have to flah Lufthansa?  Why?  All that is available on short notice for first class.  How much this gonna cost me?”  Yes Ma’am.  Thank you Ma’am.”

He turned to her mother.  “Five thousand dollars  to go teach this miscreant a lesson.  Ah will call it a business trip,” he sighed.

“Our daughters honor is at stake.”

“Ahl go whup this boy, you work on saving our daughters honor,” Daddy said wearily.

The next morning, Daddy headed out.  He was unamused to begin with, frowned about not being able to take his firearms to Germany.

Mama woke their daughter up.  “Young lady, I am going to rebuild your life and see if I save your soul and see if the right man will have you.”

“Where is Daddy?”

“Gone to Germany to teach that brute some manners.  He will never harm a Flower of the South again.”

“He can’t harm Wolfie.”

“You cannot stop it.  Get up young lady, we are going out to save your place in society.”

Daddy had no fun at all on his read eye to Frankfurt.  The other passengers in First Class were well heeled businessmen who found Daddy a bore and tuned him out.  Daddy was not much of a reader, so he slept in between boredom.

He arrived in Frankfurt tired and angry.  He picked up his rental car and tried to follow the directions toward the Alps.  He got on the Autobahn and started driving.  He felt he was doing a good clip as he would on I-20 heading between Atlanta and Birmingham.  “These cars are flashing and passing me, how fast are they going?”

He drove through Nuremburg and saw the Alps in the distance.  The closer and taller the Alps got, the angrier Daddy got.  “Ahl teach count what’s his name some damn manners.  This ain’t no pleasure trip.”

He arrived at the castle in late afternoon.  My God, it DOES look like Frankenstein’s Castle.  It’s gonna look like a brickyard when ah am finished with it.  Beating mah baby girl indeed.”

Daddy parked the car at the bottom of the hill and started walking.  He realized quickly he was out of shape.  Germans on the side of the road chuckled about the American huffing and puffing.  “There is nowhere to eat at the top,” one German teenager snickered in English.

“Why you ill mannered young man, tahm for me to teach you some manners.”  Daddy started after the teens but they easily got away as Daddy stumbled.  Daddy got up to see a young man standing over him.

Guten tag, mein Herr.  I am Count von Übl Verführerisch.     How may I help you?

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About tucsonmike

I am originally from Brooklyn, New York and now live in Tucson, Arizona. I have discovered a passion for writing. I have five books out now, with a sixth on the way. Take a look @ my book list: The Search for Livingstone An Affair of the Heart The Search for Otzi Griffith Justice in Space. Moriarty The Life and Times of a Criminal Genius Available now on Smashwords - Amazon and Barnes and Noble As to not bore my public with just "Buy my book," I am also interested in baseball, the outdoors, art, architecture, technology, the human mind and DNA. I learned Ashkenazi Jews, of which I am one, have to lowest rate of Alzheimer's in the world. Therefore, I treat my brain as a muscle needing a workout. I enjoy good food, flirtation, beautiful women (I am happily married for thirty years), so just flirting ;) I was considered autistic when I was young, trying to figure out if I have a mild form of Aspergers and learning from that. That is for future posts. You can also see I love history. Enjoy my sarcastic silly look at the world, and making History more interesting than a textbook.
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4 Responses to My Take on Fifty Shades, Daddy Takes a Trip.

  1. Sehr interessant … viel besser als die derzeit populären Version 50 shaeds grauen geschrieben

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