Before I begin, this is no way picking on surgeons. Most do great work. At coffee earlier, in the complex, we were talking about surgeons, and bedside manner.
Tonight, I ended up having a funny dream that is a warped macabre look at surgeons. Or as my lifelong friend, Bonnie Lyons-Cohen would say, “Mr. C’s bizarre sense of humor strikes again.” Elaine had to wake me up because I was laughing in my sleep. She cocked an eye at the heavens and said, “Marvin, he’s your son.”
The psychologist asks the surgeons, “What influenced you to become a surgeon?”
Surgeons: ” I liked playing with knives and cutting things. It kept the school bullies at bay. I was also the class cut up.”
The psychologist is taking notes, wondering why this person made it through school and is there room in the psych ward for one more (after the sharp objects are taken away). The surgeon adds; “I prefer obsidian blades to steel. I saw the History Channel series, Mankind, the Story of the Rest of Us. They were talking about the Aztecs…” “Oh great,” the psychologist thinks, “She thinks she’s an Aztec. She gonna cut my heart out next.” The psychologist is scribbling frantically, possibly to leave something behind for the cops and behavioral profilers, just in case.
“That hurts!” the patient cried out. “I need more to knock me out.”
“Oh if you have to be such a baby…” The surgeon thinks this is a Nineteenth Century Civil War Battlefield and hands him a bottle of whiskey. (He’s a Civil War reenactor, when he isn’t cutting people in Twenty-First Century operating rooms).
Or the surgeon who’s a student of Shakespeare. Macbeth (sorry, the Scottish play), has a scene in the beginning, where Macbeth kills an enemy warrior and it is described as “He unseamed him from the nave to the chops.”
The surgeon carries the scene out, in the end cutting the patients head off as well as cutting from the belly button to the head.
“Uh, doctor, you made a mess, the pathologist cuts are quite clever, and you wouldn’t mind, but this was supposed to be a knee operation.” This was as deadpan as the surgical nurse could be.
“Well I guess I am settling a malpractice suit.”
“Malpractice is the least of your worries.”
Some surgeons are just real cut ups…