Florida is Dangerous.


A Fish Called Wanda

A Fish Called Wanda (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Florida is dangerous.  Seems like a silly statement in itself.  (Well this is a silly look @ life).  Aren’t you more likely to say “Afghanistan is dangerous?”  Well yes, but I haven’t been to Afghanistan, I HAVE been to Florida.

Florida has an army and an air force but more about them later.   I had my first experience with the Florida Army tank corps in 1994.

My sister was moving to Pinellas County.  Her realtor, along with the other businesses in the complex had a back porch to a lagoon.  It was a Remax realtor and you need to know this for the story.  “Ya wanna meet Maxie?”  She said in a thick Midwestern accent.  “Sure, I’ll bite,”  I responded.  Little did I know that probably was NOT the correct response.

She started throwing bits of her Roast Beef sandwich in the lagoon.  Then I met Maxie.  The first alligator I had ever seen outside a zoo or as a lady’s belt, pocketbook, shoes, or cigarette case.  (Gators are more useful as those, thank you very much, as food or as bloody mascots). 😛

I was riveted to the dock.  The realtor got carried away and threw her cigarette butt in the lagoon.  No worries, Maxie ate that too!

Fast forward to 2000.  I was helping my late friend Susi Baldwin.  (Some of you have read my stories about her.  I miss her goodness and wisdom terribly, but know she is always over my shoulder, somewhere).  We were walking her dog Chelsea with a flashlight.  Watch out for gators, she said.  Oh great, and I am unarmed.  Something tells me my charming personality wont work here.

On the causeway between Florida City and Key Largo, there are signs everywhere, “Do not get out of your car.”  After Maxie, I knew not to do that.  Can you imagine some guy going to the water’s edge to do his business.  I am wincing just writing this.  I leave it up to other imaginations to fill in the rest.  What about the poor old lady (Think Fish Called Wanda) having a tug of war over Muffy with a gator?   Guess who’s gonna win THAT one.  All Michael Palin had to do was import Gators, to do in the lady’s dogs.

Florida has a Navy.  It’s called Barracudas.  After helping Susi clean up hurricane damage, she told me what she feeds.  Oh great, I thought when she informed me about Barry the Barracuda.  I was just swimming in the canal to cool off, cause she told me too.  I counted my digits to make sure I still had all of them.

“OK, Susi, why aren’t we putting out a hook to CATCH the barracuda?  She said if he goes into the middle of the canal, he is fair game, but under the dock, he is left alone.  She was feeding birds as well.  I don’t think the animal kingdom in Florida needs our help! 🙂

Now we come to the Florida Air Force.  The mosquitoes are the small, obnoxious planes.  (Aren’t you glad wiener dogs don’t fly).  The big things are the Palmetto Bugs.  They are everywhere.  I swear you can put saddles on them.  They can get landing rights at Florida Airports, for goodness sake.

Some may also want comments on Florida’s Stand Your Ground Law.  Don’t scare the wrong people.  You may not live to regret it.

To conclude, the sinkholes.  You drive home from work, minding your own business and where your house used to be is a hole going to the center of the earth.  You thought you were Jules Verne.  Officer,  I swear it was there this morning.

So that is why Florida is dangerous.  I welcome Floridian comments telling me why they think Arizona is dangerous.  That should be fun.

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About tucsonmike

I am originally from Brooklyn, New York and now live in Tucson, Arizona. I have discovered a passion for writing. I have five books out now, with a sixth on the way. Take a look @ my book list: The Search for Livingstone An Affair of the Heart The Search for Otzi Griffith Justice in Space. Moriarty The Life and Times of a Criminal Genius Available now on Smashwords - Amazon and Barnes and Noble As to not bore my public with just "Buy my book," I am also interested in baseball, the outdoors, art, architecture, technology, the human mind and DNA. I learned Ashkenazi Jews, of which I am one, have to lowest rate of Alzheimer's in the world. Therefore, I treat my brain as a muscle needing a workout. I enjoy good food, flirtation, beautiful women (I am happily married for thirty years), so just flirting ;) I was considered autistic when I was young, trying to figure out if I have a mild form of Aspergers and learning from that. That is for future posts. You can also see I love history. Enjoy my sarcastic silly look at the world, and making History more interesting than a textbook.
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